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me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)