When I pack too much for a short trip.
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Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
Terminator vs Alien vs Predator vs Robocop vs a toddler who hasn’t had a nap.
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*