What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
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9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
Ghost costume 😂
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.