One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
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ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
Win every argument by producing a cute puppy from your pocket every time your opponent agrees with you and putting it away sadly whenever they don’t.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?