My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
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Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school