Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
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This makes total sense…
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk