Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
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If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
Botany good plants lately?
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
I can’t prove he’s involved (yet), but my 3yo has been obsessing over tow trucks for weeks and today we blew a tire 🧐 on nothing 🧐 for no reason 🧐
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
eggs benadryl
This January has 47 Mondays
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though