*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
You Might Also Like
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …