Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
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If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
I received a bank alert text for suspicious activity. I was buying fruit.
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?