[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
You Might Also Like
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
No, you typed your password instead of the amount in the payment window.
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?