“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
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If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
I feel it
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.