writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
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Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
Reporter: *ports again*
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!