“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
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I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.