Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
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I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
i made a craigslist ad !
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.