She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
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Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
58.
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
Wikigenius
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine