I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
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that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
Spice up your work day by drinking your coffee from a flask
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
A sick whale is called an unwhale
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)