HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
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*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
My favorite type of men is ramen.
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.