If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
You Might Also Like
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
i spent way too long on this
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition