A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
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The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
I hope they boil the right one.
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs