[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
You Might Also Like
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
how long have you had this for?
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts