[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
You Might Also Like
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
*plays sleep meditation with affirmations for abundance as I drift off to sleep*
*wakes up and checks bank account*
Me: Well that didn’t work.
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
I asked my doctor about prescribing me sleep medication and he asked if I had tried “giving yourself permission to sleep” instead and now I’m so mad I don’t think I’ll ever sleep again
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around