Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
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I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth