tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
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“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
B
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
paddle faster i hear baby shark
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.