I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
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No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes