“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
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“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
*launders Kohls cash*
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single