[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
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Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad: