Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
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Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???