*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
You Might Also Like
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.