The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
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*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.