Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
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A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics