a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
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Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
Florida man
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy