“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
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me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped