I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
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Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.