me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
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My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
I’m not stressed
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.