My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
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My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
Simple
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable