the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
You Might Also Like
“Theirye’re” problem solved
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.