A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
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Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
Driving in Europe vs Canada
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.