Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
You Might Also Like
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
No. He’s not coming out to play
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady