See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
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Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.