*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
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[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”