[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
You Might Also Like
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
i made a craigslist ad !
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.