Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
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Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
every. time.
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today