My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
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My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.