*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
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[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
Me buying fruit and veg
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter: