*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
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Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?