my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
You Might Also Like
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
Just ordered me some pizza!
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.