“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
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[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.