I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
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Today’s Times
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
My dating profile:
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.