You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
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American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
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“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
Great game to play with friends
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.