“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
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The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
Donating blood today to make room for more food
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
Tremendous stuff
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.